GUEST POST by “Chava Tivka” : growing up + depression + moving forward the best you can. #nationalsuicidepreventionweek

depression
depression is like going through life as a
movie,
always watching, but
never taking part.
things once enjoyed are
slowly stripped
away,
one by one
until there’s nothing left.
living life as an empty shell
and in a place
no one
can understand.
Friends abandon,
leaving you in a place
of despair.
it wasn’t so bad
at first
but overtime as the sadness
turned to numbness
and apathy set in,
making life
devoid of
hope,
dreams,
relationships,
happiness.
I’m losing the battle
I was never equipped to fight
coping mechanisms,
talk therapy,
Prozac.
nothing helps…
and I’m getting worse.
I find my comfort
in clear liquid form.
it burns my throat-
my punishment for being
ungrateful towards life.
but the reward outweighs the punishment,
and for a few hours,
I can forget
the pain.
There is a certain kind of sadness
That comes with not being loved
by your parents.
A hole that cannot be filled with
yourself
So you start to look to exterior
means.
To nights filled with experiences
no child should endure,
To days where the only happiness
I could find was found in a
A plate of food,
Only to have it taken away
because
“Ladies don’t eat that much”
Flash forward to the years
Where silence consumed me,
To the days where the rules I set
for myself could not be followed
To the moments where the words
would not come from my mouth,
But would appear on my skin
In lines of bubbling red
My heart remained empty,
The void getting deeper
as my stomach grew larger
and the words on my skin written
in red
Grew easier and easier to read.
Like an actor on a stage I
Put on my mask and played
The role I was assigned
But never wanted.
The empty void I thought I was
Shrinking
Was in reality expanding.
Consuming my body
And soul to the point where
I am standing on the ledge,
About to jump,
But don’t know how I got up there.
So I take a breath,
Say a prayer
And step off the ledge of self-
destruction
And on to the street of recovery.
believer
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