“To whom do I owe the biggest apology? No one’s been crueller than I’ve been to me.”
I grew up in environments that caused me to hate myself. Most of my life I felt stupid, weird, hated, ugly, and worthless. To be honest I still feel these things. However, I am growing to love myself. It will take awhile to be fully there. But I am learning baby steps are okay. I wanted to share some of the things that mentors have shared with me.
- A mentor told me that I can’t tolerate people because I can’t tolerate my self. This was a punch in the gut ( metaphorically). I was upset , angry, and offended when I heard this but it was true. I was constantly harsh on other people. If you get annoyed and dislike other people it could be a sign that you aren’t loving and accepting yourself.
- My counselor and I talk about being Selfish versus having Self Interest. Selfish is lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure. Self Interest refers to a focus on the needs or desires (interests) of the self. ( however if you google it you will get the same definition as you did for self fish. This is the one time I trust what wikipedia says over a dictionary. ) I always have to try to follow what other people like to fit in. If someone told me that I was dumb because I didn’t like going to baseball games then I would start attending baseball games. But what I am learning is I am allowed to dislike and like what I want. If I want to dislike baseball games even though my friends enjoy it that is okay. I can choose not to go to the baseball game if I want. This is just one of many examples on how having Self Interest is okay.
- I had several mentors tell me that I am insecure. Even though this is great insight to understanding myself. I learned that being insecure is self loathing. Telling me that I am insecure doesn’t work. You have to teach people how to be secure in themselves. I am slowly learning the process.